When you hear your mom say to your dad about you, “I don’t want them here!” It hurts. Yes, there is a special reason that has nothing to do with us. It is her fear of the pandemic, COVID-19. Justified or not, it hurts! What happens if they get sick? They can only self-care to a point. Then who do they expect to care for them? Yes! No! I don’t know! What’s their adult child to do? I have no rights, but responsibilities abound. I have health issues of my own. I help take care of a couple In their late 80’s as well as my own family. So, what do I do if my parents get sick? Put everyone else at risk? Is that fair to ask of me, when she says, “I don’t want them here!”
Please don’t, please don’t make me say it again. No one wants to face it. We all care too much. We all know what it means. Please don’t make me say it again. I know, reality sucks! But if I don’t someone could get hurt. Please don’t, please don’t make me say it again. I really don’t want to see the words in print, even if it’s just a text. A note to myself: pain, either way. More probably if I don’t. But please don’t, please don’t make me say it again.
Often in the last six or seven years, I feel like the lady in the collage above, with the world pushing and pulling me this way and that way. I think today I am getting my life back. Although, think is the operative word. There are always the unexpected things in life.
I have been able to work on parts of my art in the last eighteen months. Others I want to begin to explore again. But my love, writing, has sadly been put on hold. It has been hard finding the time to quiet my outerself and listen to my innerself.
That said, in 2020, I am appalled to realize that I have only written one other thing besides this post, and its almost March. So, I am pledging to myself to find a better life balance for the reminder of 2020
– all of my alteregos (kims’, Leann, and Kimberhew)
Right now, I seem to be able to find time to create art more than I can find the time to write. Last night, not wanting to worry about cleaning a spot to create art or time to clean up after creating. I digitally combined an digitally isolated girl I painted with a background I also painted, added a few digital paint drips in Procreate on my Ipad. I am very pleased with the results.
Different and the same, two weeks ago, we had our beautiful pound puppy put to sleep. (I hate all the euphemisms, but speaking the truth I find gut wrenching.)
While my mother-in-law was in hospice, Katy, her nurse, used a great turn of the phrase. She said we were doing “doggie hospice” at our home. Unfortunately, it got too hard to see her that way. We were just hoping to get through the holidays.
Maya was her name. She was a very sick pound puppy when we got her. Our vet was surprised she made it back for her one month check up. In March, she would have turned fifteen.
So, while we had a lot of time with her. It was never enough. I think I will always miss my smart, beautiful, loving Maya.
The photo is of the gouache painting I did in remembrance of her, framed in a memory box.
Love you Miss Maya,
My fur baby you will always be,
I created this religious inspired piece of art for a co-worker of mine, who is starting chemo today. Last month, she found out that her heart cancer returned. She is fighting to see her youngest graduate High School in about a year and a half.
I decided to share it with you as we all have daily struggles. I hope that it will encourage you as well.